Wow! It has been a week since I have used. It seems much longer than that. It's amazing how when i do a little work and practice a little faith and restraint how far away that other person seems to me. but that is also one of my problems. forgetfulness. i need to remember that that person is me. and i can go back to that behavior anytime i choose. at the current moment i am no longer powerless, i have employed many powers greeater than self, like this blog, and god, and prayer, and other people and meetings. but if i open that door back up again, i can become powerless in an instant, where just a week ago i was talking about having to react, act out, on autopilot, not even having a choice. i really dont' want to go there again. i am tired of using. i am learning a lot lately. i have learned that i continued to lose because i still don't like myself very much. i am still looking for something outside of myself to change the way i feel, to make me feel better, rather than actually sitting with my feelings and processing them and sitting through them. i am also learning that i haven't fully accepted myself, so i was doing other things not exactly to gain acceptance from others, but to feel acceptance. when if i truly accept myself, and accept that i am an addict and i have this disease of addiction,then i will do the necessary treatment, i.e. meetings, stepwork, reaching out to other addicts, journaling, daily prayer and meditation. and the only way i will be freed from my defects and shortcomings, which is my current manifestation of my disease,t he sex addcition, is to live the NA way of life. practicing the steps and principles in all of my affairs. quite the conundrum, isn't it. the only way to get acceptance and to stop using is to accept that i am an addict and do the work necessary to be in recovery.
my sponsor was supposed to call me yesterday to go over my assignment. he didnt'. guess it really is time to get another sponsor. just really don't want to go thru this process again. but i do want to get better. and i do want a sponsor that will be there for me, and will be willing to take me for the steps, and will have time for me, even some face time.
i am getting ready to head out on the open road on my first bike trip. i am excitted and scared all at the same time. i am looking forward to some me time, just me and god and the scenery. i really think it willl be good for me. learn to be with myself and be ok with it. and i am not taking a computer with me. at all. plan to get some time to do some step work and some reading and get ok with myself and work on my recovery and my realationship with god. never really done something like this before....
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