Daily Maintenance

I'm struggling now with what to do about a sponsor. My sponsor just really isn't responding to my calls, or my texts even at this point. I can understand his frustration if I don't do what he has asked me to do. But I still need help and guidance with this process. I am continually told that I can't do it alone. yet here I am again with another sponsor that is unavailable. I have tried talking to someone else with complete and total disclosure, full disclosure, and they told me because I was continuing to act out, they probably weren't the best person for me to talk to. They even stated that they weren't going to go and tell my wife about my infidelity, but if she asked they would not lie to her. I'm not asking anyone to lie for me, and I am trying to ask someone to help me. But, I guess in the end, it really is up to me to do the work. And maybe if I actually start doing the work, the helper I need will show up. It's just that I have tried this on my own so many times only to fail.

I went to an NA mtg last night, and it felt good. I listened to the message being shared in regards to the current manifestation of my addiction, the sexual acting out. And it was good to be around people. I talked to a guy last nigth after the mtg and i asked him how he resisted giving in to sexual tempation. He said that in those times, he just reminded himself that it was wrong, adn that it also wasn't fair to the other person (ie in regards to looking at a woman and lusting). Wow, I wish that was enough and worked for me. I will try it, i will try adn recall that to mind when tempted...

In my struggle as to what to do, I realized I've only been going to 1 NA mtg a week. Could be part of why I feel so crazy right now and have been strugggling so much. That is what I mean about doing the work. Having a time in the morning for getting grounded and centered and makeing contact with God, going to a meeting, doing this writing, working on my step, and calling other people in the program. So now I'm struggling as to whether I really need to go to SA or if I can jsut go to NA mtg's. I guess I need to remember that i've been going to NA for years and still have this issue. I jsut feel like I am doing some great injustice to NA by going elsewhere, as if I'm saying that NA doesn't work. I mean, never mind that it had kept me clean for over 10 years. Good point. now maybe i need to go to the place that keeps sex addicts clean also. Ok, ok.


I got up today and read my bible and my JFT. Now I am writing on my tenth step, IP #9 below.

Living the Program
This is NA Fellowship-approved literature.
Copyright © 1983 by
Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
All rights reserved.
What Worked for Us: NA Daily Journal
The purpose of this daily inventory is to keep track of who we are and what we are
doing today.
Try to answer every question, every day. Keep your answers as simple and as honest
as you can. If you miss a day, do not make it up later.
Limit your answers and concerns to the past twenty-four hours and complete the
questions at the end of the day.
If you wish to share some of this journal, we suggest that you do so verbally.
Remember that a daily inventory is not a test; there are no right or wrong answers.
Do not get upset if you could have done better or if you fail to live up to your
expectations of yourself. Remember, this is a program of growth and recovery and if
you are clean today, you are doing something right.
Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life
without the use of drugs.
Am I clean today? __yes I am___________________________________________________________
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How have I acted differently? ___I tried to be productive at work. I didn't look at porn or masturbate or flirt with antoher woman. I started ot when one called the office, but I realized that wasn't what I wanted or needed to do, adn I stopped myself.___I went to a mtg even though i was tired and tried to talk myself out of it. and i got honest with people, almost to the point of tring to sabotage myself._____________________________________________
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Did my disease run my life today? ___no, i don't believe it did. it was hard to be productive and work and focus. but atleast i didn't act out. i am pretty certain i am going through the depression stage with the shame and guilt behind acting out for sex addicts.____________________________________________
If so, how?____________________________________________________________________
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What did I do today that I wish I had not done? ___________________________________
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What have I left undone that I wish I had done? ___________________________________
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Was I good to myself today? ____________________________________________________
How? ________________________________________________________________________
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Was today a good day?_________________________________________________________
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Was I happy? _________________________________________________________________
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Was I serene?_________________________________________________________________
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Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me
and wants to help me in my recovery.
Did I talk to my sponsor today? __________________________________________________
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Did I attend a meeting today? ___________________________________________________
Where? ______________________________________________________________________
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Did I share my experiences, strengths, and hopes? ________________________________
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Who are the people in my life that I trust today? __________________________________
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Who has trust in me today? _____________________________________________________
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Just for today I will have a program; I will try to follow it to the best
of my ability.
Did I read from our literature today? _____________________________________________
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What steps did I consciously work? ______________________________________________
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Did I admit my powerlessness today? ____________________________________________
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Was I able to put my trust in my Higher Power today? ______________________________
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What did I learn about myself today? ____________________________________________
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Did I make any amends today? __________________________________________________
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Do I owe any?_________________________________________________________________
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Did I admit fault to anyone today? _______________________________________________
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Did I worry about yesterday or tomorrow? ________________________________________
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Can I accept myself as I am today? ______________________________________________
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Just for today, through NA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Did I feel like I was a part of humanity today? _____________________________________
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Did I allow myself to become obsessed by anything today? _________________________
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What has God given me to be grateful for today? __________________________________
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Have I done anything to cause harm to myself or to another today? __________________
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If so, what? ___________________________________________________________________
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Am I willing to change today? ___________________________________________________
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Did I pray or meditate today?____________________________________________________
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How did this affect my life? _____________________________________________________
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What spiritual principles have I been able to practice in my life today? _______________
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Was the most important thing in my life today staying clean?________________________
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Just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new
associations, people who are not using and have found a new way of life.
So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
Have I given of myself today without expecting anything in return?___________________
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Was there fear in my life today? _________________________________________________
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Did I feel intense joy or pain? ___________________________________________________
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Did I call or visit someone in the program today? __________________________________
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Did I pray for the well-being of another today? ____________________________________
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Was I happy today? ____________________________________________________________
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Have I been peaceful today? ____________________________________________________
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Did I consciously remember that I have a choice today? ____________________________
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Dear God, show me what I have done right and wrong today.
Show me how I can better live and serve your will tomorrow.
NOTES
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