Purity Seekers

didn't write anything over the weekend. busy all day saturday, then sunday went to church and went home and relaxed. we had this missionary group "stella's house" at our church. they had girls that had been rescued from the sex trade. i was really convicted because i realized that there wouldn't be any human trafficking if there wasn't any demand for it. not that i've ever been part of it, but i'm certain that is only because i wasn't around it...

i have refrained from masturbating and looking at porn over the weekend. it was very difficult yesterday when i approached my wife and was denied. i took that to mean that the entire day was out of the question, when she stated this morning that it was only at that moment. i take it personal and feel rejected and pull away. then i wait for her to come to me when she is ready. i figured that was the respectful thing to do. but i also want to feel wanted. i want to feel like she wants to and that she is just not doing it out of obligation. and it really brings up a lot of stuff. it makes me want to act out and go seeek release elsewhere. btu i have to remember thaat it hasn't even been a week since i went there. and i really need to be patient and realize it will take more time than thise. i need ot be dedicated to my pathe and perservere.

i went to my homegroup friday night and got a lot out of it. i thought of addiction in terms of my sexual addiction, not just drugs, and that really seemed to help a lot. i shared about how i had been acting out on my disease. the meeting was about self esteem and feeling adequate. and somebody shared that if they wante to have self esteem then they had to do esteemable acts. that the way i feel about myself was really based on the things i do. that was really powerful. i continue to do things that i don't feel good about doing, then i wonder why i don't like myself very much.

lord, help me do things today i can be proud of . help me do esteemable acts. like be there for someone esle. that is the other thing i learned. that even being insecure is total self centeredness. i am consumed with myslef. lord, help me be consumed with what i can do for others. free me from the bondage of self. help me get out of myself today and help somebody else.

i also felt really led to start a men's group at our church. i mean if so many men struggle with the problem of sexual fidelity, then we should have a group where men can meet and talk about it. Lord, show my what that looks like, and how you can use me in that process.