Seeking Recovery

Couldn't get around to posting yesterday. Which is ok. I haven't done anything I shouldn't have. Thank God! Went to church, had a really powerful service. WEnt boating, then just relaxed. Which is nice every once in a while. My problem is that it can start to feed my depression and laziness if I lay around too much. Like for instance, I barely got out of bed this am and was 2 hours late for work. But atleast I didn't look at porn or go on chat rooms while I was home alone.

I did get a text from bill collector this am. She is this girl that keeps hitting me up, offering me love for $. She plays like she misses me and wants to see me, but it always comes down to the Benjamins. I tell myself that I'm done with her, and that I'm not gonna see her anymore, and that I'm gonna be faithful to God and to my wife and to myself. But when she calls, it's like I go on auto pilot, I respond without thought or consideration, true powerlessness. This am she hit me up, and I resisted, thank God. I can't take credit for it. It is only in the face of all the recent consequences and situations that helps me resist for the moment. And I know as long as I leave that door open, I will continue to be tempted and eventually fail. Fall. Give in. But I have closed that door many times only to open it right back up again. It's actually gotten to the point to where she leaves me alone for a few days or a few weeks, and then contacts me again. And she laughs about how she knows me.

Makes me feel like crap! Yet also feeds my need to be known, to be loved at the same time. What a mess! I call my sponsor who basically tells me my problem is willingness. Being willing to actually do the work required to be free from this insanity. And that I could actually have a little peace and freedom if I would do what he has asked of me, and don't do anything that he hasn't asked of me. I guess that's true. I guess I'm just looking for a different solution than seeking recovery on a daily basis more than I'm seeking sex/ lust. I really just want to be cured and go on with my life. AFter all these years, you'd think that I would realize it doesn't happen that way.

But today is a better day. Because I haven't acted out. I have done some prayer and meditation (11th step work), and I am trying to prioritize and get into God's will rather than my will. Which means focus on work while I'm at work rather than surfing the web... I just feel at times like I need to be locked away somewhere, away from the rest of the world, away from the rest of society.

Help me, help me find the help that I need, or just muster up the willingness to do the work necessary. I keep searching in so many places, church, counseling, meetings, sponsors. I am even thinking about going to different meetings. But I guess none of that really matters until I become willing to do what is suggested of me.

Why am I so unwilling? Fear? Apathy? Whatever it is, Lord, help me become willing. Grant me the willingness to do what ever is necessary to have a reprieve from this disease. because although I may not be on drugs, I am still using, and that is a very sobering thought!